You guys must been wondering why am I not blogging the past few months and thought that I quit blogging but no I'm not. I was going thru something and it stops me awhile to reload myself. Apart of that , college caught me up. yeah , that excuse have been following since years ago , I have really no time for blogging right now. Every week at least have one assignment due , one after another. Have no effing idea how some blogger can part time while blogging. I can't multitasking you know , If I blogging means I need to full time blogging not thinking about anything which I can't cause my parents will chop me into 3 part and feed the dogs outside my house which I'm not looking forward to it. Okay to sum up everything , I just have lesser time for blogging so I'm gonna say sorry to everyone , to whoever looking forward to sponsor me or my partnership sorry :( I will try my best to blog everything in one shot over the weekend or something but no promise okay ?
Anyway , told you guys I was going thru something in my life right now. Not something very huge that can cause me to death or anything. Nope , I wasn't diagnosis with anything serious like 3rd stage of cancer or tumor just something very small that it has been with me over the years which I'm not really proud of it. I know you guys may think I'm attention seeker or bastard but today I'm ready to tell the whole wide world what's have been going on with me the past few weeks , months and year.
Well , if you guys who followed me on twitter knowing that I been very emotional the past few months for certain reason and been tweetin every single day. Some people must have been figure out about it but some still in the very blur situation.
So , I was diagnosis Major Depressive Disorder. No , I wasn't kidding about it.
Practically Major Depressive Disorder is (MDD ) also known as clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression , unipolar disorder or recurrent depression in the case of repeated episodes) is a mental disorder characterized by episodes of all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. It is often used to denote this syndrome but may refer to other mood disorders or to lower mood states lacking clinical significance. Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. The diagnosis of major depressive disorder is based on the patient's self-reported experiences, behavior reported by relatives or friends, and a mental status examination. There is no laboratory test for major depression, although physicians generally request tests for physical conditions that may cause similar symptoms. The most common time of onset is between the ages of 20 and 30 years, with a later peak between 30 and 40 years. Well that's what according to ask.com . It may sound very seriously cause I'm in stage 4 for my age at 20.
I think I have to look back years ago during high school. It wasn't that serious back in high school cause I'm not close to the society and not yet meet any people that's why I'm still okay , still can control my emotion. Usually I will cry it over once then I will be back up again , just like nothing has happen. It was so easy back then , I wasn't even care about it. I didn't bother to go check myself up , I wouldn't give a F about it. Maybe because of the life back then la , it was just so easy. Go school , study , eat , study , go back home, sleep, tuition, eat , home then sleep . It just a routine but now a whole different story man.
Ever since college started , I have turn into someone that I barely know. Drinking , Partying , Slacking whatever you name it. I don't think is my friends who influence me ( well thats what everyone say ) I would say is my emotional. Really , the one I hangout the most are the one who gets me. Trust me , few of them knows me more than my own friend that know me more than a decade. I've change into someone even my own self that don't even know what am I doing , I'm so upset that every night I would breakdown. I think in a week , I have been breaking down almost everyday for the past few months. I remember every morning I woke up , I went to the bathroom , brush up myself and told myself another day faking a smile on face and pretend everything is fine then when school ended I will drive myself to emotional song and when I reach my home then my room , I will break down. I will keeps playing the most emotion song in my itunes and started thinking the past. By then tears will drop ;( Yes that emotional. It wasn't easy for me that everyday I have go thru shit before class and I practically have blue everyday. Trust me , the few that knows me the most always ask me am I okay a not and I will just say I'm okay because I don't want them to worried about me. At some point , I told myself not to break down infront of them cause I don't want them to see me crying but it doesn't work. I really breakdown right infront of them and it was after some stupid " not replying my text " thing la.
I think in their mind probably think I'm stronger than ever cause I've been going thru all this by myself.
Yeah I am. I told no one about what's going on in my life even my own family that have seen me from a baby to now a grow up man. Lol
I think the main reason I diagnosis because of relationship. I'm like the relationship slave , I will go all out for someone and I wouldn't put myself at the first place , it always about the other parti. I shouldn't feel this way but sometimes I just can't control , I know I should love myself more but trust me I won't. I think fall for someone easily is another one. I fall for someone very easily , for example if we talked for quite sometime or we just knew each other , I will eventually fall for you even we didn't go out frequently. I dunno why , it just happen cause my heart always told me to go for it because too late and I do. My heart come first before my body. My body will eventually ask me not to do cause it means another heart break , another round of emotional song and stuff. I can't control my heart nor my mind , I will eventually go. Don't be surprise I'm falling for someone right now because I just can't control about it.
Second reason probably how people constantly throwing words like " You're so fat " , " You're so chubby "or worst " You're so bloated ". Yes people like that still around in this circle. I know you need to have a good heart but I didn't know body come after heart. Right now the circle is 1) Body 2) Looks 3) $$$ lastly only good heart . People ask me to go gym and I will answer them I don't like gym. Main reason because of the bodies around me are better than me and I will feel like a loser standing next to them trying to beat them which eventually I won't. It just my self-esteem are too high. Its very hard for me at some point , whenever I scroll down to Instagram or Facebook I feel so insecure. I always feel like I'm loser for everything. By then I will break down again and constantly told myself I'm loser.
Thirdly also looks. People saying how ugly am I , how I'm not " average " type or I have bad gene. Yes , I admit I'm ugly/bad gene but I'm not really proud of it. Sometimes I would be an anger and started blaming my parents about that. People always say that if your parents wasn't happy when they have sex means their baby won't be good looking, I think a part of me believe that. I feel crap all the time about my looks. For once I was really frustrated , I went on Google , look up plastic surgeon in Malaysian and I booked an appointment to consult. I didn't even bother much like telling my family or friends , I just went all in about. I went and the doctor to me actually I have quite good gene just that I haven't fully grow yet that't why I haven't seen the result yet. Maybe is true also la but still also la quite stupid to the whole world I have cut my face when I'm 20. I still remember he told me " No one is perfect , If the person go for looks then heart then the person probably stupid not u the stupid " and he also added on " Don't do stupid thing when u young , been young doesn't mean you have to go all in , been young means you need to have fun and enjoy " then it hit me at some point then I told him if I'm still looking like this when I'm 25 , I will come look for you kay ? then he say sure , by then you can make your own decision already.
At one point I was so anger about myself , my look , body , life , relationship and I nearly killed myself.
I was actually standing at the balcony and looking down. Is not that I'm not brave enough to climb over , is that so many thoughts that run thru my mind. What gonna happen after I died , Whose gonna cry , How my friends and family gonna react and Will people remember me ? Thought like this pops out and I just couldn't cross over that bar .Right after that , it hit me that I really need to meet someone to spread everything. So I google-ed up therapist and book appointment. It was tough to call the centre then to tell them my details and when the appointment date were nearer I was more afraid. It hit me that I have to opens up to some stranger that I barely know for my life. So I went to centre and meet this very nice , down to earth lady who looks like someone I know which I don't remember her name. At first it was tough for me to opens up then she taught me to slowly tell , she wasn't rushing then I told her everything literally everything. I still remember my appointment from 2 to 4 but I stayed till 7 , yeap my story was that long. Well , first session went pretty well then slowly I have to meet her at least twice a week as in she wanna know me more then slowly once a week then twice a month then once a month until now 2 months once. It was a really huge challenge for me you know , I know a lot people been thru this but I didn't know was this hard. ;(
Well I still remember when she told me that I'm on stage 3 and she glad I went to see her or else I can worst by now. She even told me worst come to worst I would eventually ends everything and jump down or cut myself. She say thank god I came for her , thank god I opens up everything. Even since then she became really close with me , whenever I feel down I will go look for her but I now I hardly need to look for her cause I can handle my emotion already which she quite proud of me. She told me from a very edge of it to become someone who is better now :)
Right now I became someone who I used to know back then. I know how to control my emotion and handle everything. Yes , I admit it was tough during time but I think I somehow not 100% yet overcome everything. I think I'm more on 30% now , now that I've learn how to look things beyond the picture that's why I'm getting along. It was a rocky road it will eventually turn into smooth one cause of my believing. Another reason to keeps me moving because of friends , They was there to witness everything , they were there to keep me warm and most important is they believe in me. I didn't really opens up to them about me got diagnosised about it cause I just don't really want them to worry much about me. One thing I've learnt thru this process is try to opens up cause the more you keep things within yourself the more you will be emotion. I may not be 100 % now but at least I'm really working myself up and be happy.
Be Free , Be Happy , Be Love :)
Cheers
